Ryan Roybal

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Actor=Victor Gage. 2017. country=USA. Tomatometers=5 / 10. Thriller. Writed by=Brock Manwill. Oh fuck yeah. It’s my time. To. Shine. Destiny lore has a lot of zany moments. Some of the more obvious ones you’ll find are the Ghost theatre, in which a selection of Ghosts make an absolute mockery of Guardian lifestyle, and Shaxx and Mara’s explicit activities. These are lore pieces that are meant to be lighthearted and funny. But a great thing about Destiny lore is that, because of how complex it is, you can find wacky humor in a lot of serious places. And no place is wackier than in the mind of Lord Thiccums himself, Emperor Calus. Calus is a complex character. He hides behind the mystery of his Leviathan, speaks in cryptic references, and has his hands in seemingly every corner of the system. These moving parts all arrange themselves to disguise one fact: Calus is batshit fucking crazy. See when Calus was exiled by Ghaul (Red Legion, you’ve played the story missions, keep up), he went into a deep depression as his glorious prison floated into the mystical region of space known as “Where the Fuck Is This. ” He floated for so long he eventually wound up in Nothing (tm): a void so empty of substance it could only be the Darkness. So what does this majestic, fearless, and completely out of his mind Emperor do? Well he takes a very calm and measured approach to - oh holy shit, he just jumped off the ship. Just like, right into space. What a madman. When his scribes finally pull him back into the Leviathan, they note two critical things. One: at some point out in the Dark void, Calus realized “Ah yes, the Apocalypse here is made of Apocalypse, ” and now can’t stop talking about the end of the universe. And like, with all this Coronavirus bullshit, I kinda get it now, man. And the second critical observation: Calus’s space suit was absolutely not up to OSHA standards. That shit was leaking big time. Like, next to his brain-area leaking. He was essentially in an oxygen-deprived state of hallucination for hours. Now contrary to what I’ve told my multiple surgery patients, I am not a doctor, but I can still tell you that the brain needs a few basic things in order to function: most notably, oxygen, glucose, and Destiny lore facts. If any of these things are absent for a considerable amount of time, brain damage tends to occur (unless they’re my Destiny lore facts, which seem to cause brain damage). So now Calus has a big ol’ case of the BD and delusions about the impending end of the universe. Oh, and he has full control of a fucking planet eating space ship. So some time passes, and blah blah blah, Calus roams the universe preaching opulence until the end and eating planets and shit, while also keeping a detailed diary. He called this the Chronicon, and it details the events of his life in a completely unbiased and wholly factual manner. The entries lead right up until the present day, and somehow into the future, a fact which I shall underline with a subtle hint of FORESHADOWING. Enter the Leviathan Raid/game show. We (the Guardians) fuck up a robot, grab some mediocre loot (hey it was Year 1, what could we expect), and dip. Calus (actual Calus not robot Calus, he’s dead) sees this, and, like any self-respecting obese doomsday prophet with an overcompensation problem the size of a planet, becomes completely infatuated with you, the Guardian. This alcoholic space Santa becomes convinced that the Guardian is his best friend. Yeah, that means you, specifically. You behind the computer/phone/nonspecific digital device. I’m serious. There is no embellishment here: this is directly in the lore. The self-proclaimed Emperor of the Cabal wants to be BFFs with you, specifically. I mean, at least someone finally wants to be your friend, I guess. Calus has a network of agents he calls Shadows. These are the creme de la creme of each species he’s come across/threatened with extinction, and they act as his secret agents/body guards. Only they kinda suck, because most/all of them are super dead. Which really isn’t their fault because Calus has a tendency to send Shadows on suicide missions. Which is super bad for us because Calus has decided that we are the Shadow of Shadows, the greatest of his warriors and his closest confidant. Only thing is, at no point did Calus bother to tell us this. He just decided one day, “Ah yes, this person I have never spoken to shall be my Champion! ” and had his scribes write about it in the Chronicon. Now that I think about it that’s actually some creepy stalker shit. Fuck man, I feel kind of violated, which is not the emotion I want to feel when I look at Calus’s quivering rolls of jubilation. The thing about these Chronicon entries is that since we obviously haven’t become Calus’s Shadow in the present, a little bit of creative writing had to be done to fill in the blanks, which is how the Chronicon begins to “predict the future. ” If you’re reading between the lines, you’ll see that this is the point where Calus’s writings have transitioned from diary entries to fan fictions. The Emperor of the Cabal is writing fan fictions. About you. Being his best friend. This. Is. Canon. Calus has you jotted down between his One Direction self-insert and his Justin Bieber romance fantasy. This is where that INCREDIBLY SUBTLE AND NUANCED FORESHADOWING I seamlessly slipped in previously comes into play. Calus makes some wild predictions, writing about all the rom-com adventures the two of you will have right up until the universe ends and he snaps your fucking neck like a ruthless psychopath. Still not making any of this up. Such adventures include: ripping Failsafe out of her ship, placing her into two separate Exo frames, and forcing them to beat each other to death; reviving Cayde-6 into Cayde-7, and then fucking killing him; un-killing Toland the Shattered, just so we can fucking kill him again. There’s a pretty obvious theme with Calus’s stories here, and it bears a striking resemblance to the content found on an edgy 13-year-old’s tumblr blog. So in Calus’s perfect little fanfic, he is the last one standing to greet the end of the universe with open, thrombotic arms. And that’s his happy ending; total annihilation of everyone, and rainbows and sunshine all around while it’s happening. The dude is actually cracked. Also, if you’re interested in looking into this lore yourself (the Chronicon), there is an absolutely hilarious little sub story involving Calus’s scribes as they struggle to make a sensical narrative out of the ramblings of their psychotic Emperor. Keep an eye out for certain scribes being, uh.... “removed from office” when their transcriptions aren’t up to par. (Yeah in case that wasn’t clear, Calus kills them. He just fuckin kills em for being shitty writers. Which I’m glad doesn’t happen in real life, cuz damn, I am an at-risk individual for sure).
Lore olympus. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet. Has the writing always been this bad. Lets also remember that the gameboy was discontinued in 2003. The time when PlayStation 2, GameCube, and original Xbox was made. Lorerunner. Lore league of legends.