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PLEASE NOTE. This post will be very long and probably confusing. English is not my native language, so there may be some grammatical errors. I intend to post elsewhere, so I would consider this post as multi themed. I will divide the text into parts for readability. I apologize for the excessive details, I believe that everything exposed here has some relevance. I beg you to read everything INTRODUCTION I: ANXIETY AND FIRST THOUGHTS Hello. I am an 18 year old man, currently in college. My life, from August 18th until now, has been a complete hell. In early 2019, I began to have anxiety attacks every time I went to the movies or went out with friends. These seizures made it impossible for me to eat and caused constant nausea and dizziness. When I started college in March, anxiety became random. Some days it happened before and during classes. In others, just before. However, I did not know that anxiety was until then the least of my problems. As I began my second semester enrollment in late July, I began to have depressing thoughts. These thoughts encouraged my death, mocked me. As someone radically opposed to suicide, that situation bothered me, but not enough to wreak havoc. Within a week, there were no more thoughts. The first week of August, I went to a urologist. I was worried about the angle of curvature of my penis, and how it would impact sex ( I'm a virgin, and never had a girlfriend). It may seem like irrelevant information, but it is not. INTRODUCTION II: THE PORN When I was 13, I discovered the concept of sex. Before that, I knew nothing about the workings of the sexual act. From this I discovered masturbation, eroticism and, of course, pornography. I masturbated and watched porn whenever and as long as I wanted without any worries. But as the years went by, I turned these two activities into relief valves for any kind of stress. I masturbated at least once a day. As for porn, I watched 1 or 2 hours. Between December 2018 and early 2019, I expanded pornography to approximately 4 hours. 2 hours in the late afternoon and 1 or 2 hours before bed. As for the porn categories, I started with light videos, until stopping at hentai and hardcore videos ( anal, gangbang, DP). I never watched gay porn. Since I was 13, I have ingested my own semen after masturbation. I started this habit because of a mixture of curiosity and laziness to clean. I don't see it from a homosexual perspective. In fact, ingesting semen for me has become a way of celebrating my pleasure and hence my body PART I: THE BEGINNING OF THE RUIN OF A MIND Back in August 2019. After the urologist, I began to worry about my likely porn addiction. I was afraid the videos would prevent me from having pleasure with a woman in real life, or cause Erectile Dysfunction / Early Ejaculation. I decided to limit porn and masturbation to twice a week, with a maximum of one hour in each of these sessions. I was able to respect this self imposed rule. But on August 18, everything changed. At night, two hours after watching porn, I was watching the movie Alien: Covenant, and seeing Michael Fassbender, I immediately remembered the movie Shame. At that moment, bizarre thoughts invaded my mind. Compliments of sexual connotation, comments about the actor's appearance and penis, images of myself fucking him. Obviously, I was terrified. I have never in my life thought such things. Even surprised, I associated such thoughts with the suicidal incentives of early July and thought, Fuck. This is going to end. I was wrong. The next morning that shit went on. Every man I saw stirred these same thoughts, even my father. There was a distortion in my feelings, thoughts and perceptions. In a way, I saw every man as handsome, simply because he was a man. In just two days in that nightmare prototype, I thought something risky: Well, I like women, but these thoughts want to impose an attraction on men. If I bring the two together, I can neutralize that shit. Then I fantasized about myself having relationships with hermaphrodite beings - something like futanari -. I had fantasized about such things before, but only once in 2016. Also, such a fantasy could be controlled. I watched some pegging videos, watched hentais about dickgirl on male and, even finding it bizarre, felt pleasure. That was not enough to stop gay thoughts. So every day boiled down to an infinite mental debate. On August 29th, in one of these innumerable internal discussions, I thought, In all my sexual fantasies, I always projected myself on man. At that moment, a damn thought came up: No, you projected on the woman. You want to be a woman. You should cut your penis. So from that day, besides the gay mind filter, there was a trans mind filter. Looking at me in the mirror came the image of a woman, looking at my penis, the image of a vagina. When I came across pronouns, thoughts changed their gender automatically. Seeing a couple, I couldn't tell if I thought the girl was pretty or envious of her. In September, tired of those thoughts, I returned to my psychologist. I have been consulting with him since 2015, but he has known me since I was 9 or 10 years old. He said I was a straight man, but that wasn't enough to reassure me. Between September and October, other bizarre thoughts arose. After reading about Capgras syndrome, I began to fear the possibility that it was real. I feared the world was a simulation (like the Matrix). I was afraid of being betrayed by my future girlfriend, or of being a cuckold. I didn't believe 100% in the thoughts, just feared the possibility. PART II: IDENTITY CRISIS AND THE INTERNET FUCKING MY HEAD As I said before, my psychologist could not fully help me. So I decided, stupidly, to turn to the internet. I saw dozens of texts and posts about HOCD and TOCD. At first it helped me, but over time my mental state got worse. I read trans testimonials saying they thought they were cis until 18, or late onset gender dysphoria. Reading that, my head exploded. How to prove that I wasn't really feeling dysphoria? From then on, I lost hope. I felt in denial, even though I had never idealized myself as a woman in 18 years of life. That sense of certainty was unreachable for me. I read that shit until November, when the frequency goes down. In October, I watched the movie Joker. Honestly, Arthur Fleck saved my life. Seeing a guy at rock bottom become happy gave me a little hope. Interestingly, I didn't feel any anxiety during the movie. In fact, I had not been anxious since September. Probably because I was debating like crazy 24h. Needless to say, my happy days were few. In 5 months of this hell, I can count only 1 month of joy. This month consists of several weeks spread out. Two in October, one in November, one in December. Even at these breaks, the symptoms did not fully subside. PART III: MEDICATIONS AND THE ROCK BOTTOM Since October, I have had blood tests and a psychiatrist. Examinations pointed to a lack of vitamin D, probably because of my sedentary behavior. On November 15, I started taking meds. Paroxetine. Side effects were complicated at first. I started with a small dose of 12, 5 milligrams. When I say complicated, I mean COMPLICATED.? I felt like a zombie, I didn't want to get out of bed, I missed college all week. This state lasted about one to two weeks. In the end, the medication did no shit against the thoughts. It just made me calmer and to some extent functional. In fact, even crying almost every day, and wanting to drop out of college, I was able to get high marks in all subjects this semester. Great irony, no? In my opinion, the worst part of all this is WAITING. In August I was just an unhappy guy with gay thoughts, today I have no idea what I am. I talk 40 minutes with my psychologist every week, not counting discussions with my parents. In the early months, they understood. Today they seem to be tired of me. As for my psychologist, I feel his good intentions, but I see no progress. At the same time, I don't want to change professionals because I value the experience of my current psychologist. CONCLUSION: WHO AM I (? ) In the past. I was a confident guy. I wanted to live alone after finishing college. I dreamed of having a girlfriend. With luck, I'd marry her and we'd have a daughter. I prefer a daughter because I wanted to play the role of protector. Today my identity is in pieces. When I look in the mirror, I see someone else. My name sounds weird, just like the pronouns. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a pilot of someone else's body even though I know it's my body. I never had problems with my penis or my body hair - I even grew a big beard in 2016 -. Now I'm afraid every time I look at them. I don't feel authentic about anything I do. Honestly, I never cared about gender. I was not a boy or girl. I WAS ME. A male individual. In fact, I had some feminine traits, but I saw such judgment as a stereotype. I cross my legs, I am very emotional and synesthetic regarding love / sexual issues. I wear long clothes that show little of my body. In this respect, I identified a lot again with Arthur Fleck. I like to dance alone and often have daydreams about my future girlfriend. At the same time, when I talk about things beyond love, I feel like a man. In discussions, I see everything from a strictly rational standpoint, I consider myself competitive and cold in certain respects. The only time of the day I have peace is when I sleep. When I wake up, I feel good for a few seconds, until all hell begins again. Interestingly, I had dreams in which, as a man, I had sex with a woman. In my dreams thoughts had no power at all. Bathing has been a terrifying experience, because I can't tell if I like my body or not. During the day I feel my penis all the time and I have anxiety. The only time I feel good about my penis is when I masturbate and yet there is insecurity. If I didn't have friends, computer games, or family or medical support, I'd probably be dead already. There is not a day
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Las Pildoras De Mi novo blog. Dear R, The past three years with you have been amazing. I waited until the age of 22 to find someone special enough to be my boyfriend, to have sex with, to cry and laugh with, to enjoy life with. You took everything I threw at you in your stride and returned it with love and support. We both know I am deeply troubled, but that's not what you were expecting when we first started dating. Unfortunately we were forced to switch to long distance after the first few months together, but I never thought we would struggle with that. You know about my controlling, religious, narcissistic and abusive parents. It pains me so much that I could never share you, and my love for you, with my family... But that has never stopped me from loving whoever I want, and it never stopped you from being with me. I always reminded you that I'd understand if you need someone in your life who can give you a normal relationship, introduce you to their family, and be open with their lives. But you always told me that I'm all you want. Sixth months later I told you how I struggle with depression and have been taking medication for two years. I didn't go into too much detail because I didn't want to scare you off... but you were wonderful about it, albeit a bit surprised. I was always good at hiding things from the outside world, even though I'm struggling to now. You never verbalised that you loved me, but you showed me that you did through your actions. I tried to not worry about it too much because I know you were shy, and I'm shy too. It took you three years to ask me out. I reassured myself that six months isn't enough time for us to use the L word, and put it to the back of my mind. Your mother welcomed me into your family in a way my own mother never has. You let me fuss over your pets and treat them as my own. Your grandparents always asked about me and invited me for dinner. Your dad invited me to his 50th birthday celebrations even though we'd only been official for a short while. Your mother wants me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding this summer. Your auntie spoke to me about how sad it is that I can't share my life with my parents. Your family always told me that I am more than welcome to use their home as my own, if things with my own parents go badly and I need a place to stay. If we end things, I won't just be losing my best friend and first love; I'll be losing a loving family that I've been dreaming to be a part of my whole life. I loved you so much. I had been wanting to find someone to love for so long, then you came along and I threw my whole heart at you. I tried to put thought and love into everything I did for you, from baking you a cake for your 21st birthday after a few months of dating, recording a full, home made Christmas album on my computer two years in a row, teaching myself to embroider just so i could make you a pet portrait with my own hands that you could treasure forever. That one took me months. I felt so secure in our relationship that I didn't think twice about making jokes about it. I'd ask you if you like my baking; you'd say "yes, this is tasty! but I'm not really a big fan of cakes". Id joke in response and say things like "oh no you hate my cooking! you're going to dump me because I love cakes". I'd use a stupid voice and laugh when saying it, because I knew we would never dump each other over something as trivial as cooking. But you didn't like these kind of jokes, and I didn't know because you never told me. You would even do the same joke back when asking me to critique your new shirt - "you're going to dump me because I have bad taste in shirts! ". I was sure we both felt the same about these jokes. I knew you struggled with showing affection, so I thought I would try normalise it for you through exposure. I sent you little treats in the mail; valentines cards, a graduation gift. I got you little souvenirs and mementos from my travel. I've been trying so hard to be romantic and keep things exciting during the long distance. This is how I like to show my love. For some people, this would be too much, but seeing how happy it made you made my heart swell even more. It never bothered me that you weren't able to match my efforts at gifting, because I know I can be extreme. All I wanted in return was your love and reassurance. I sent you a surprise postcard and letter from the USA when I was working there for a month last summer. You came with me to see me off at the airport. I had been waiting for you to tell me you love me for about two and a half years, but you hadn't - so I bit the bullet and decided to say it before I caught my flight. We hugged goodbye, and then I grabbed your hand, looked you in the eye and said I love you. You didn't say it back - you just looked at me in silence, then we briefly kissed and I went on my way. I cried in the queue through security. I was scared to be travelling alone for the first time in my life, I was scared to be living in a new country I had never visited before, I was scared to be doing all this without my parents knowing. I was scared you didn't feel the same way about me that I feel about you, because you couldn't tell me you love me even after 2. 5 years together. I messaged you about it before I boarded the plane. You said "of course I love you" over message, but that was it - you never said it to me unprompted or to my face in person. Again, I put it to the back of my mind and gave you the benefit of the doubt - maybe you just hadn't heard me. A month and a half later I hit a huge hurdle in my personal life. My depression and anxiety had gotten worse. I failed an exam in med school by two marks, and almost got kicked out. I had a psychiatric assessment for ADD because there were concerns that it wasn't picked up in childhood - and turned out to be true. I was started on new medications on top of my antidepressants, going through an appeal with my med school to allow me to repeat the year, and worrying about my sister who has severe clinical depression and an uncontrolled eating disorder she has hid from everyone for years. I was feeling low, insecure, and shit about life. Spending time with you during this difficult period helped me take my mind of real life. You hugged me, kissed me and watched movies with me. You let me stay in your home even though you had work every day. Everything felt fine when the sun was up and we had plans... but things changed at night. As soon as the day ended and I would get ready for bed, there was nothing to distract me from the black hole of my thoughts. Night time is the worst time of day for me, because I actually have to think about life. I thought about how scared I was about being kicked out of med school, and how shocked and confused about this ADD diagnosis which kind of came without warning. I would cry, and all I wanted from you was for you to hold me, wipe my tears away, tell me I'll be okay because you love me. But you never did. You struggle to deal with outward shows of emotions - which makes things difficult because I am the most emotional person I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I feel everything intensely. It hurt so much when your only response to my sadness would be a mumbled "whats wrong" from the other side of the bed, and the only affection you could think about giving in those moments was to initiate sex. My self confidence was already at an all-time low, and I began to feel insecure about the relationship. I was sure that our feelings weren't matched. I loved you deeply, but you never told me you love me. You were never happy to just hold my hand and hold me close in bed - I felt that you only wanted to touch me at night when you wanted sex. When I tried verbalising this, you told me its a form of emotional manipulation because I'm trying to guilt trip you. You said that the "youre going to dump me over [insert trivial thing here]" jokes were also bothering you and felt like emotional manipulation. I apologised because I didn't realise you felt that way - I truly would only say it because I thought we were so stable in our relationship that it was an obvious joke. Especially when you would joke back at me - but obviously I was wrong. I am sorry I made you feel that way and I will not make such jokes again. Calling me emotionally manipulative hurt me so much. It was a while ago, and we've discussed it since; you told me you're sorry and you didn't mean it. But a small part of me doesn't believe that you didn't mean it. You said it with such conviction and repeated it quite a few times, and even listed reasons - it sounds like you had thought about it quite a lot, rather than just said it in the heat of the moment. I've forgiven you for saying it, and you've forgiven me for those jokes that made you feel uncomfortable. However, I am so insecure and self-conscious that I can't let go of that label. My insecurity is causing me to second guess everything that comes out of my mouth, and question my own intentions. Knowing I have made you feel this way has broken my heart - I feel like I've failed as a girlfriend. My biggest fear is turning into my own mother - the biggest emotional manipulator and abuser I know, who alienated everyone in her life, from her husband to her own children. I asked you, why do you even want to be with a girlfriend who is an emotional manipulator? Why do you want to be with me if you can't tell me you love me? What is the point of our relationship - did I completely misjudge things? You told me "How can we know that we love each other? its impossible to know if a relationship will work until we live together. Look at Bob and Sue - they were attached at the hip for years, but their relationship ended after they moved in with each other. " I told you that I'm not asking you to marry me or have my children - I just want to know that you feel the same way I do right now, in the moment. You still couldn't say it. After you went away and got
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Critics Consensus No consensus yet. Tomatometer Not Yet Available TOMATOMETER Total Count: N/A Coming soon Release date: Feb 21, 2020 Audience Score Ratings: Not yet available My Boyfriend's Meds (Las píldoras de mI novio) Ratings & Reviews Explanation My Boyfriend's Meds (Las píldoras de mI novio) Videos Movie Info Jaime Camil and Sandra Echeverria star in the hilarious new comedy LAS PI?LDORAS DE MI NOVIO (My Boyfriends Meds). Jess (Sandra Echeverria) is a talented, high-powered marketing executive at an upscale tequila company who falls for Hank (Jaime Camil), a charismatic mattress store owner she meets while shopping for a new bed. Hank's charm and good looks convince Jess he is "Mr. Right, " but Hank hasn't been completely open with Jess- Hank suffers from a variety of issues for which he takes an endless assortment of medications. On the night Hank decides to reveal his issues to Jess, she surprises him with an invite to accompany her on a work retreat to a remote island resort. Surprised by the suddenness of this next step in their relationship, he decides to keep his secret a little longer. When the new couple arrives to the island, Hank is horrified to discover that he left his meds behind and is no longer able hide his various symptoms. What is supposed to be a tropical "business and pleasure" trip begins to spiral out of control, and Hank goes from a handsome charmer to an erratic loudmouth- at the cost of Jess not only losing out an overdue promotion, but her job! Jess and Hank face the ultimate couple's test- learning what it means to be madly in love. Rating: NR Genre: Directed By: Written By: In Theaters: Feb 21, 2020 limited Studio: Pantelion Films Cast Critic Reviews for My Boyfriend's Meds (Las píldoras de mI novio) There are no critic reviews yet for My Boyfriend's Meds (Las píldoras de mI novio). Keep checking Rotten Tomatoes for updates! Audience Reviews for My Boyfriend's Meds (Las píldoras de mI novio) There are no featured reviews for My Boyfriend's Meds (Las píldoras de mI novio) because the movie has not released yet (Feb 21, 2020). See Movies in Theaters My Boyfriend's Meds (Las píldoras de mI novio) Quotes News & Features.
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