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directed by=Peter Segal
actor=Dave Bautista
Family
Release year=2020
Erich Hoeber

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Ready for the Queen, I journeyed through the labyrinthe. The Christmas maze, the lights. The mairjuana tree. The long hallways and glowing gold records. I only made one beer detour. One stop amongst the many roadside bars. After downing three bottles of Dos Equis, I felt more relaxed. More comfortable for Nicki and I’s forthcoming conversation. I saw the open doorway leading to the studio. Leading me to Nicki Minaj. I glanced down at the tight jeans that would surely get her salivating. Took a deep breath. My soul with some hesitation before I went straight inside. There was the intimate space. The soundproof walls. The live room where Mrs. Majesty made the magic happen. A Trinidad decor was evident in the various colorful trinkets from Nicki’s many travels. The elephant figurines, the kaleidoscopic paintings of various women of color. And of course, there were the notebooks. Dozens and dozens of them scattered about like toys in Nicki’s personal playland. Well, the non-sex toys, that is… Each open notebook was covered in the rapper’s pretty scrawl. Lyrics both clever and insane. A beautiful madness punctured the pages. Judging by the sheer amount of binders, when Nicki got on a roll, she was a frenetic force. Unstoppable in her drive and creativity. On the control room table was a bottle of wine. Two glasses already poured. And there sat the Queen on her pink swivel chair. The studio her throne. Her bitch. Her fingernails were now red claws. A match to the fiery red wig. The make-up vivid but professional. Along with thin wire-rimmed glasses, her beige pants suit was somehow scholarly and bland even with such beauty lying beneath it. Sitting there with a pen in hand and notebook in lap, Nicki looked to be in academic mode. All business inside the studio. Nicki flashed me a warm smile. “Mmm, those look nice…” Flattered, I glanced down at the preppy attire. The type of clothes late-twenty-somethings flaunted when they played high schoolers on T. V. And they were a perfect fit too. “Yeah, thanks. ” The two of us looked on at each other. Nothing weird. Just mutual respect… or attraction. The Ronettes’ “Sleigh Ride” the only sound through the silence. Nicki relaxed in her seat. “Hey, shut the door! ” Following orders, I closed it behind me. Gone was The Ronettes’ harmonies. That was curtains for Nicki’s Christmas playlist here in the soundproof studio. Using the notebook, Nicki motioned toward the other swivel chair. “Have a seat, Rhonnie. Let’s get down to business, shall we. ” I sat down and rolled the chair closer. Nicki now loomed up over me. Her huge ass undoubtedly helped in the height advantage. Then again, her aura had power, and it always kept the Queen in control. Nicki waved around the room. “Bringing back any memories? ” “Oh yeah. The interview…” An awkward chuckle escaped my lips. Behind confident eyes, Nicki watched me. Her claws kept tapping the notebook in a repetitive rhythm. “You know, I’m sorry things didn’t work out. ” Through her weak smile, I sensed Nicki’s sincerity. This personality wasn’t manic or aggressive. Not yet at least. “Naw, you’re fine, ” I said. “We, uh… we had fun. ” Nicki laughed. “Definitely! ” Then she lunged forward, getting closer to me. “But I really wanted a book. I wanted my story to be told, Rhonnie. ” Struggling under her female gaze, I hesitated. “And it still can… I’d love to give it another try. ” “Ooh, I’d love that…. ” Nicki leaned back. “You know, I really love your writing, Rhonnie. I think you’d do amazing things covering the life and times of Onika Maraj. ” Now I was flying high. A horrible actor, I did my best to play it cool. “Well, I’m glad somebody thinks so... ” “Oh, we do! Trust me. You’ve got the talent, baby. ” “I appreciate it. ” Nicki pointed her blood-red finger right at me. “You write movies too, right? ” I laughed. “Whoa, shit, look at you! ” “I know my shit…” “But yeah, I started out with the screenplays. I’ve always been a movie person-” “So what happened? ” Pausing for a second, I took note of Nicki’s focused gaze. She was interested, alright… “These filmmakers, man. They’re all broke and do a shitty job. ” “Ah…” Nicki took a quick sip of wine. “It’s a long story. I just… I don’t have an agent, they don’t read shit unless you know somebody. And I’m broke as fuck so I can’t film anything…” Here I was rambling. Rhonnie The Jaded Writer making his grand return. Angry. Talking with my hands. “But that’s why I started the NoSleeps. I actually wrote a couple of novels before that, but I’m just trying to build an audience now. ” “Well, you got me hooked! ”. Even I had to smile. “I’m glad. I just got tired of getting fucked by Hollywood. ” Nicki struggled to suppress a smirk. “Well, hey, at least it was fun when I fucked you. ” Damn, she was clever. I grinned. “Yeah. My best Hollywood experience for sure! ” I ran a hand through my swoop. “And Hell, at least you paid me! ” Getting comfortable, Nicki readjusted on her throne. Her tone stayed consistent and precise. Her T. journalist performance pretty impressive. “But about the biography, would you be willing to do something else for me? ” “Yeah, uh. What do you mean? ” “Look, Rhonnie, the Barbz loved the story. ”. I smirked. “I guess it has a cult following going. ” Nicki just kept her eyes on me. There was no unwavering smile to offset the seriousness. She meant business. All as her relentless claws kept tapping the notebook... “I did the research. My album sales, the downloads, everything went up after you posted that NoSleep. ” In a mic drop moment, Nicki’s hand collapsed on to the binder. “And now I want more! ” “Whoa…” I struggled to say through the excitement. “So you want like a whole series? ” “Preciseleee…” The shit-eating grin never left my face. Already my mind was racing with ideas. I turned away, disoriented by my life-long dream. “I’ll pay you as well, ” Nicki continued. “You can even go back to Albany, Georgia. ” With seductive poise, Nicki leaned in a little closer. “Or Hell, you and Ash can come here. ” I faced Nicki. “So did people really like the story that much? ” “Oh, Hell yeah! ” “Did any of them… believe it? ” Nicki revealed a sly smile. “Some. ” Enjoying the spotlight, I folded my arms. “So fucking crazy… Honestly, I just wanted to tell the truth about what happened… I wasn’t trying to write creepy fan fic or erotic shit. I was just wanting to portray you as accurately as possible, Nicki. I mean Hell, I thought that’d be my only shot at the biography! ” Nicki’s female gaze was starting to appear. “Not at all. ” Still rambling, I threw my hands up. “And then some people found it hot. They seemed more aroused than anything-” “Why wouldn’t they? ” I gave her an amused look… realizing she was kinda right. “Pegging’s hot, ” Nicki continued. “And it ain’t like those rumors about me fucking men in the ass weren’t around before your story. ” I revealed a smirk. “Yeah... ” Rivaling my own elation, Nicki rolled her chair in closer toward me. “I just want you to do one thing. ” “What? ” “Make it even sexier! Get fucking crazy with it! ” “What… You’re joking, right? ” Nicki pointed at her stone cold glare. “Do I look like I’m fucking joking, Rhonnie! ” She gave me a light punch on the arm. And damn, it still hurt… “Just do what I say! Write about all the sex. About how hot I am. ” For emphasis, she squeezed her own breasts. “These titties, this ass, the pegging. ” Nicki pointed at me. ”Squeezing a guy’s ass or making him strip down, the fucking hot shit, Rhonnie! I need more of that! ” The speech left me in stunned silence. There was a lot to unpack. Amongst the shock and intrigue, there was also disappointment... Nicki shook my shoulder. “Just do more of that! That’s what we need. ” I pulled away from her. “But why... ” “Why! ” I pointed between us. “I just told you, I didn’t intend to just make you out to be some fucking bimbo, Nicki! I wanted to humanize you. That was the whole point! ” With a subtle smile on her face, Nicki just watched me. “Like yeah, I told the truth, ” I went on. “I wrote about the crazy sex but that wasn’t the point! I wanted to show the world the real you. I wanted them to see Onika Maraj. This was a biography. ” In a twisted taunt, Nicki caressed my face. “Oh, that’s so cute, Rhonnie. ” I knocked her hand away. “No, I mean it! ” Her smile was swiped clean. Nicki now literally got in my face. “And that’s fan-fucking-tastic! ” Scared, I cowered back into my seat. Nicki hadn’t even yelled... she didn’t need to. “Look, baby, what you’re saying is true, ” continued Nicki. She laid a hand in my lap. Dangerously close to awakening my penis... “And I appreciate it, Rhonnie. I’m glad you captured the real me. ” “I
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